Insights
by Nonnihil Scelestus
Summary: A detective thinks about her life, and how truly alone she is.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Insights

Life it seems like a never ending circle. No, a never ending three ring circus. Funny things about it is that you don't know it is until you're alone and trust me, I know what alone is.  
I was married once for about two years. My first love. We divorced and haven't spoken since, thank god. I've dated off and on since then, had one night stands where I purposely didn't give out my phone number or my name, and even a meaningful relationship or 3 that never went beyond 2 months. No one appeals to me. I have friends but they're all married or have significant others, well except Donnie, whose wife died several years ago, and I always feel like a third wheel. I guess you could say Donnie and I both know what it means to be truly alone. My other friends think its great fun to send me on blind dates, but after the tenth time or so, I told them to stop. I couldn't handle the nervous energy or the uncomfortable silences. Naturally nothing ever came of them, except now I know few more people in New York City, which I didn't know before. The truth of the matter is that I've always liked being alone, even when I was married. In fact my ex-husband claimed irreconcilable differences as the reason for divorce, because I was quite happy being on my own. I didn't need him to support me or comfort me, or even be there to cuddle up to in the middle of the night. I guess I was overly self-sufficient but then that happens when you have to support your self at a young age. You learn to live with yourself and that's it. Putting your trust and faith in someone else just doesn't work because you are all you have to depend on and there isn't anyone there to rescue you or tell how to avoid mistakes. Its all trial and error and I learned a lot of things the hard way.

Learning things the hard way is why I ended up in New York. I had barely graduated from high school when suddenly I was alone in the world. Sure I had friends and I had other family but they weren't the people I felt I could trust. I ended up with 3 cars, a house, a motor home, and an ass load of bills that I couldn't pay. So I sold the house, the motor home, and 2 of the cars and moved into a small one bedroom apartment that I could actually afford to live in. Then I was hounded by 'mourning' friends and family that wanted to comfort me. That's exactly what I didn't want. I wanted everyone to go away so I could deal with me grief and get on with my life. So I moved again. I packed up everything I had and changed my name and moved to a new apartment. That's who I am today, a person who didn't exist before 1982. Someone without family and very few friends. Right after I moved, I struck it rich. I happened to buy a lottery ticket while filling up my truck at the gas station. I figured that I might as well try as it couldn't hurt, and I won. So I used my old name to claim it and decided to use the money wisely. I invested half and kept the other for moving and acquiring knowledge. I went to college and got a Ph d. in Psychology and Criminal Justice by the time I was 30. Of course I also learned a language or 4 for the hell of it. I also became a police officer at the same time I went to school. I was bound and determined not to spend my new found wealth unless I absolutely needed to. I made detective when I was 29 and my partner, a cop on his way to retirement brought me up. He went to my college graduation and I went to his retirement party. I still call every now and then to check on him and his wife and their grandkids. I miss him every so often when I'm working side by side with the infamous Lennie Briscoe, and his equally infamous partner Mike Logan. Both are great guys and I don't hesitate to call them my friends. Our boss is a good friend too. It used to be Donnie running the 2-7 but now Lt. Anita Van Buren runs the show. Both are great people and good cops. Anita is a great woman, but there are days when I miss Donnie. He transferred to the 1-6 to run the up and coming Special Victims Unit. So here I sit at my desk, constantly filling in paperwork, only breaking for a quick lunch or when I have to go out and work a case.

I'm alone right now as its nearing midnight and the night shift is in the break room. I'm suddenly struck by how alone I really am. I have no family, no lover, no pet, no husband, hell, not even a wife. All I have is a few friends wrapped up in their lives. I shake myself. I've been staring off into space, lost in thought for over twenty minutes. That means its time to head home. The drive home is long and boring. The music on the radio is old, some eighties thing that I used to listen to when I was young. I park my car in the parking garage and make my way into my apartment building. I climb the stairs to the 6th floor for the exercise and enter my apartment. It's empty as usual, which is wholly depressing this time. I almost wish I had a dog at least to greet me, then I would have good reason to be home at a decent hour of the night but no, only silence greets me as I make my way through the darkness back to my bedroom. Its not like I exactly need the lights to see. I know there's nothing in my way. I quickly get ready for bed, making sure I set my alarm and charge my phone. Then I climb into bed and get comfortable. One by one the muscles in my body relax and as I drift off to sleep my last thought is that maybe tomorrow I would go get a fish, or better yet, give Donnie a call.


	2. Chapter 2

Insights – Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Should be in the first chapter but just in case, I don't own them and I mean no harm. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.

The problem with taking a good hard look at yourself is that it's wholly depressing. Upon waking that morning, sometime around 6 (habit you know), I cleaned my apartment. Now this isn't unnatural for me because I'm almost obsessive when it comes to order and neatness. I'm a nut about these things and have been all my life, even as a child. That's not to say that I don't like to get dirty because I'll get down in the trenches with the best and the worst of them.

As I was doing my last chore – laundry, my thoughts from the night before came rolling back to me. I figured I could do both things, call Donnie and get a fish. I've always liked fish. Well I've always liked Donnie too. He's a very rare person indeed. With my last load in the dryer, I went to take a shower. It was nearing 11:30 when I got out. I figured that would be as good a time as any to call. I tried Donnie's desk first and he answered on the second ring.

"Cragen." Came his terse 'hello'.

"Hey Captain." I said stressing his title like I always had, something we used to joke about.

"Well hello Detective." He said in reply. I could hear the smile in his voice. "What's up?"

"Are you free for lunch and a little catch-up? My treat."

"Lunch with a beautiful woman or here with only my office and a vending machine…oh the choices. Of course I'll go to lunch with you, just tell me where."

"Well, where, is anywhere you want to go, and I'll pick you up in 20, if that's ok." I could tell her was pleased. I hoped he missed me as much as I missed him.

"Are you driving the truck or the Cuda?" I could tell he was teasing me. My cars were another joke between us.

"The Cuda of course." I heard him sigh enviously. "Wanna drive?" I asked.

"Hell yes. I know this great restaurant off the freeway."

"Sounds good. I'll see you soon."

"Yep." I stood looking at the phone for a full minute before I realized that I needed to finish dressing. I grabbed a clean pair of jeans, my favorite pairs to be exact. They were worn and almost white, without holes or stains and they fit m perfectly. Next I pulled on a black tank top and a red button down with a mandarin collar. I left it open and un-tucked. Next came my shoes, black sandals without heels. I checked my reflection in my full length mirror. I looked pretty good in my opinion. I put on some natural eye-shadow and mascara, skipped lip gloss and went for chap stick instead. I took a look at my hair and sighed. It was a mess as usual. I brushed it quickly and pulled it back into a pony-tail.

I checked the time. I was running late so I grabbed my necessary items and dashed out the door and down the stairs. I kept my Cuda in storage behind the apartment complex. I spun the combo on the door and slid in open. There was my baby.

I made it to the 16th precinct in record time and was mildly thankful that patrol cops weren't looking. Donnie was waiting at the bottom of the steps with a detective, a woman. I got out and went to greet him.

"Captain." I said.

"Detective," he returned with a grin before he pulled me into a hug. I savored the brief contact. His arms felt like heaven around me. "This is one of my detectives, Olivia Benson." Donnie introduced her. "Liv, this is Detective Ellen Hamilton. I was her Captain at the 27th."

"Its good to meet you. I'll let you two go to lunch." Olivia said with a knowing smile.

"You too. Shall we?" I asked holding up the keys to the Cuda. Donnie got this look of pure delight on his face; I swear he was 16 again for a second.

Lunch was just the beginning. We started going out more often, dinner, and a movie. I even got him to take me dancing. We are currently searching for a place to co-habitate, as I like to call it. My apartment isn't big enough for the two of us and his has too many memories of his wife. There aren't any plans of marriage in our future; we both think we're too old for it. I guess we'll just see where it goes. Hopefully it leads to forever.


End file.
